self growth

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” 
― Lao Tzu

Making sense is about finding clarity so you can move forward with confidence. Max DePree says “The first job of a leader is to define reality.” (The last is to say thank you if you’re wondering.) When you know where you ARE, you are better positioned to decide where you want to go NEXT. Like your GPS, it works on the endpoint in relation to your current position. As people we work hard to know what our current reality is, to then understand it, and then look for the viable options moving forward.

There is no doubt the Coronavirus pandemic has globally affected everything. Yet it is important to see how one can still be really effective. In other words, how to work out fast what reality is like and to make quick adjustments where needed. I belive there are four areas to explore.

1. To be clear about how you understand your purpose, past, present and future.
2. To measure how engaged you are in the current situation.
3. To assess your capability to deliver on change if that is the required strategy.
4. To select the most effective development process and pathway to take.

Understanding, engagement, capability and development – four parts of defining reality. Four stages of making sense. Getting clear on what is really going on is critical to begin this ‘new normal’ journey. Making sense comes from asking ‘what is working’ and ‘what is not working’. This provides you with the ability to see the leverage and pain points side by side. And usually, we go through both those experiences, much of it at the same time. I call this the ‘sweet spot‘.

Karl Weick is known as the father of sensemaking and his work has been used by thought leaders globally. Chapter Two of Sensemaking in Organisations contains what is perhaps Weick’s most cited sentence, the recipe for sensemaking: “How can I know what I think until I see what I say?”

The seven ideas of sensemaking are:

• Sensemaking is a matter of identity: it is who we understand ourselves to be in relation to the world around us.
• Sensemaking is retrospective: we shape experience into meaningful patterns according to our memory of experience.
• How and what becomes sensible depends on our socialisation: where we grew up in the world, how we were taught to be in the world, where we are located now in the world, the people with whom we are currently interacting.
• It is a continuous flow; it is ongoing because our interactions with the world and our understandings of the world are constantly changing. You might also think of sensemaking as perpetually emergent meaning and awareness.
• Sensemaking builds on extracted cues that we apprehend from sense and perception. Cognition is the meaningful internal embellishment of these cues. We articulate these embellishments through speaking and writing.
• Sensemaking is less a matter of accuracy and completeness than plausibility and sufficiency. We simply have neither the perceptual nor cognitive resources to know everything exhaustively, so we have to move forward as best as we can. Plausibility and sufficiency enable action-in-context.

So making sense of your current reality is about knowing who you are, where you are and having the most realistic assessment of how it’s going. Good, bad, or ugly, you must “face the brutal facts yet remain optimistic.” (Attribution: Jim Collins) As you lean into the process hold to the following five convictions that will serve your learning and accelerate your growth.

• Be proactive. Go first with curiosity and vulnerability.
• Be humble. We know you’re not perfect and we don’t expect you to be.
• Be calm. Feedback is telling you to do more of something or less of something, it isn’t failure.
• Be responsive. Find the specific things you can leverage and change right now. Do them first.
• Be active. Implement any changes as soon as possible. Leverage your mentor and your network.

When you have clarity on where you are, you can define your future with confidence.

Sensemaking seems to make sense, doesn’t it? I know it is difficult to even dream of the future at present, but we have the right tools to be better. As always, hope you and yours are safe. Let’s build a positive reality together.

Photo Credit: Photo by Luis Quintero from Pexels

“Change happens when good hearts act” – Pam Ahern

Ah, Integrity. A value highly sort after which can be elusive. So what is integrity? Well one way of saying it is – “Be yourself, everyone else is taken.” (attributed to various authors).

The word Integrity embodies a wholeness or a solidarity.  We say that a structure has integrity when all its parts work together. They support and uphold the whole structure. When a part is missing or ceases to function effectively, then the integrity of the whole structure is compromised. An enterprise may likewise have integrity when the individuals and the systems of the enterprise align with the vision.

Yet for many, personal integrity is a place of pain. Many do not know what personal integrity looks like.

Having personal integrity to me is:

• living according to our values, 
• to do what your heart knows to be true,
• living up to your highest good, which is the “whole” of us,
• To make corrections when we find that we have been less than true to ourselves, especially our highest self.

It is also to be open to the possibilities of who you can become, to the higher part of you that desires a more expanded, more fulfilling life. Living with this type of integrity brings a life of freedom. Never compromise your personal or your artistic integrity. Never settle for anything but your absolute best effort – an effort that may be exhausting and frustrating, but that will ultimately serve you in good stead as a creative and as a human being.

Integrity Seeing

It means producing our best work, not motivated by external motives such as profit, rather from the inner desire to produce what is our great work.

In our engagement with other people and with our work, there is a tendency to seek out those with integrity. There is a higher level of trust where integrity is found. When seeking those who exhibit integrity, we often look for:

• One who tells the truth in simple, easily understandable language without manipulation of people or a distortion of the facts, for their own agenda.
• A person who is transparent as to their reasons and actions.
• One who keeps their commitments or communicates early – when a change is necessary.
• A person who accepts responsibility, avoiding the “blame game” or deflecting.
• One who is willing to face tough issues and discuss them honestly, even receiving answers they don’t like.
• One who is willing to become their higher, more noble self, finding their purpose and becoming a better influence.

Living life through your integrity provides a light to the world. This empowers others with the possibility of who they could become – finding their purpose. Just as a stone dropped into a pond creates a ripple effect, so too, living a life of integrity from the heart ripples out to touch others. Ram Dass’s quote; “We’re all just walking each other home“, reminds us that when we support one another’s journey, we can live a more purposed life, and we walk each other home.

When our words and our actions align, in harmony with our higher self. We discover a power in living that frees us from living a smaller life, focused on the little things. And we see more clearly what is really happening, we hear more clearly what is being communicated, whether spoken or conveyed in some other way. We act more thoughtfully and naturally from our true self. Joy in life becomes easier. “Problems” seem smaller, requiring less energy. 

A group also has an integrity. Where there is common vision and joint action in the direction of that vision, there is an integrity in the whole group. But what happens when the individuals or the systems in the group become separate? As we said earlier, integrity embodies a wholeness or solidarity. A separateness or pulling apart weakens the whole group causing it to be less effective.

As we look at public groups including political parties and companies, we quickly decide whether they exhibit integrity and we therefore choose how much we trust them. The integrity is shown in the cohesiveness of their actions, as both, a collective group and as individuals. A place where African politics struggles a lot.

With our personal integrity, we measure how aligned our actions are to our values. We decide how connected we feel to our higher self if we take those actions, or to how diminished we feel if we don’t. When the inner voice or light speaks and we act accordingly, we have acted with integrity.

In the William Shakespeare play, Hamlet, Polonius gave some advice to his departing son Laertes: “To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.” (Spoken by Polonius in Hamlet Act 1, Scene 3 )

We owe it to ourselves and to the world to be our best versions, in private life and in public life. Once you master this it is easier to pour yourself out to the world and embrace your purpose. As always, hope you and yours are well. Please share with us your thoughts in the comments section, we would love to hear from you.

Photo Credit: Photo by Savvas Stavrinos from Pexels

“He who serves the most, reaps the most.” Jim Rohn

Last week I wrote about how takers can stop taking and this week I’d want to flip the coin and speak on how I believe givers should set their tables. I hope to give some tools and support to my fellow “givers” so they can learn to give without depleting themselves and hopefully also learn to receive. Let’s get right into it. When you are a giver you naturally set a table for everyone, and you don’t look for anything in return. This is where it gets complicated because you never stop and you will then be taken advantage of.

Now I do understand how you are wired to keep doing it even when you know you are being taken for a ride. And most givers never admit that they feel taken advantage of but we all know we look back at that time that someone said if you lend them money they will pay you back in a week. Just like the other million times before, the week passed and they didn’t pay you back. Below I have a few things I believe can make this journey better and ease the subconscious dilemma of ‘ is it really worth it?’

Redefine Sacrifice

Sacrifice is defined as “the surrender or destruction of something prized or desirable for the sake of something considered as having a higher or more pressing claim.” The question to ask is why is someone or something always more pressing than your needs? Yes, sometimes others have a more pressing need than yours. Say for instance your child breaks their arm — I think we could all agree that their medical needs are more pressing than your daily needs at that moment. But look at how often you view your needs as less than others.

Is it a weekly occurrence? Daily? Hourly? The other definition of sacrifice is “a loss incurred in selling something below its value.” Are you selling yourself short? Are you continually devaluing yourself? Helping others and the occasional sacrifice are wonderful, but if it becomes your normal way of living you are negating your value as a fellow human being.

Give Without Giving Yourself Totally Away

The key is to give to others without giving away yourselves. As a mentor this was a very important concept to learn. Throughout the day I give to others, but I do so without giving away myself. I exist. I desire. And I receive. And I am able to give to others. Giving does not mean disappearing into others’ needs. Just like we give presents to those who love, the gift of giving should be something outside of ourselves. It adds to their lives without taking away from our own. So I know how far my generosity goes, which leads me to the next point.

Create Boundaries

Determine who you give to and when you give. We do not need to be paid back for things we freely provide, but we should also not feel like we are being taken advantage of. Give only when it feels good to you. You should feel better and more fulfilled after you give, not drained. Giving should be as Gandhi has been reported to say, selfish.

If your giving feels as good if not better for you than the person you gave to, then it is worth it. And remember, if it feels bad when you are giving, what you are giving out has bad energy as well, no matter how well intended your actions are. So when you set your table, do not be pressured to serve lobster just because your guests have never had lobster. If you are happy with steaks then your guests will have steaks, always remember; It is your table.

Release the Guilt

Nothing in the world requires you to give to others. It is a choice. Release your guilt and sense of obligation. Cut the emotional cord you have to others. This emotion is what ties you to guilt giving. Whether you think that others will not like you or that it would make you a bad person if you don’t give, recognise that you are not giving for authentic reasons. Give freely and from the heart. Release any sense of duty or compulsion. It’s a privilege for people to sit at your table not a right just because you have the means to set a table.

Model How You Want Others to Be

Many mothers I know, including my own, feel compelled to sacrifice for their children. However, what does this sacrifice teach your children? As a constant giver, you are showing your children that they are not worth as much as others. Be a mentor and model the ideal behaviour. Show your children how you can give while still existing and receiving.

I have an 8 year old son and he is fully understanding what giving is. As a teachable moment when he asks for something I usually ask him to give away something in return. The higher the value that he wants from me, the higher the value he has to give away as well. This doesn’t always go as planned but I believe he is learning that in order for him to receive he has to give. In essence when he comes to sit at my table he usually doesn’t come empty handed.

Be a Mentor Not a Fixer

Find the balance between giving and doing for someone. If we tied our children’s shoes for them and never taught them how, they would grow up to be adults who could not handle this simple function of adulthood. This is the old adage of “give a man a fish and he eats for a day; teach a man to fish and he will never go hungry.” Allow the other to take responsibility for themselves and be there to teach and educate, not to do it for them. Sometimes it is hard to watch people struggling, but remember you had to learn on your own too.

Challenges educate and build character — don’t make it too safe or easy as you may actually be doing them a disservice. I usually have conversation at my table about how to set your own table, most people hate it because they are in need and cannot see where I am coming from but few do see it. This in turn allows us to have these sort of conversations more often even after they have had what they needed taken care of.

Stop Thinking All or Nothing

Release the notion that you can either be a giver or a taker. Sometimes you need help and sometimes I do. Focus on who needs the support at the moment and just make sure you get a turn. Or if it helps, wear the badge of giver — but be sure that one of the people you give to is yourself. You are the only one responsible for taking care of yourself — accept the responsibility. Just like charity begins at home. Giving starts with giving to yourself. As my father used to say, once in a while cook yourself a big meal and have it all by yourself.

Replenish Yourself

Large or small, giving and caring for others can deplete us. Find ways to give to yourself to help you recharge. Flight attendants remind us to put on our oxygen mask first before helping others. Be sure you are receiving adequate self-care before you give to others. This will ensure you are taken care of so you have something to give to others.

I hope these tips on giving have been helpful. Try a few out and let us know how this has shifted how and when you give in the comments section.

Photo by Jaco Pretorius on Unsplash

“Givers need to set boundaries because takers rarely do” – Rachel Wolchin

What you bring to the table is important, why? because it determines how long you will sit at the table. People can easily be isolated into 2 groups: Givers and Takers, and this is as a result of how we relate with the people around us.

A Giver is always trying to figure out what they can do for others. “How can I be of assistance?” is the foremost thought for a Giver. A Taker is always trying to figure out how to gain something from a situation. A Giver is spiritually developed while a Taker is not. A Giver listens more than a Taker. A Giver wants to make a difference, while a Taker wants to understand what’s in it for them. Givers see need in people and the things around them while Takers are always seeking attention and opportunity. Givers give their 100% to whatever they do and are always willing to help someone else, whereas Takers don’t give their all and then whine about their schedules. Givers enrich the lives of the people they meet and make people around them happy, while Takers can be draining. Givers are happy people while Takers are not.

Poet, Shel Silverstein wrote The Giving Tree which is a story  about the interactions between a tree and a boy. The boy is a Taker and constantly wants things from the Giving Tree. When he’s little, he wants to climb the tree and play on it. When he grows a little older, he takes the apples the tree produces and sells them to make money, and the tree happily gives him what he desires. When he grows older still and needs wood to build a house, he comes back to the tree with another ask, and the tree gladly offers her branches to him to cut down. This taking from the boy and the giving from the tree continues until the boy becomes and old man and all that’s left of the tree is a stump for him to rest on. The story is brilliant and teaches us an extremely important life-lesson: there is happiness in Giving and sadness in Taking.

We do this in our everyday lives, myself included. Once we see a table has been set and we are invited we never think to bring anything to the table. And when we sit at the table for the first time and eat, we feel entitled to be there so we keep coming back.

You know those people in your life I’m talking about right? The ones you never hear from unless they need something. They are the ones that only call me when they hear you are coming to town for a gig and want free tickets. The ones who start messages with, “Hey can you send me xxxx, and also how do you do this? Oh and how are YOU???” Those that say can you do this for me for free, even when they know your side hustle is your means for survival.

Yeah, those are takers. 

Now, they probably don’t know they’re takers either, and like I said, I’ve been one. I remember calling someone in a hurry, asked a bunch of questions, then hung up and didn’t ask how he was. I realised I did it too, and he called me on it, thankfully. But it’s annoying to be on the receiving end right? 

If you’re a taker, I’m not judging you. I know life is busy, and you need something quickly, and you probably aren’t thinking about how the other person is going to receive your message, you just need an answer. The problem is, if you keep taking, and taking, and taking, you’re going to be mighty lonely. Because we rise by lifting others. By helping and giving. By remaining grateful.  Here’s a few tips to help you bring something to the table.

Don’t Be A Leech

Chances are if you are reading this someone sent it to you, or you might have found it somewhere on the internet. Please don’t take it personally (one of the Four Agreements, read the book here). I mean well and just want you to know that you’re kind of being a leech and it’s time to stop. Please don’t be defensive, just own up to it, and do better tomorrow. We all screw up, including me. (see above.) You can’t keep sitting at other peoples tables and just eating when you never invite them to your table. Then you have the nerve to comment on how they serve their food? Come on now, this freeloading has got to stop.

Don’t forget good manners

Stop feeling entitled and realise it is a privilege to sit at someone’s table. So when you are there please show some good manners. Greet and ask people how they are doing, conversation might be all you have to bring to the table for you to stay. Just because I can set a table it doesn’t mean all is well in my environment. So just have the decency and respect to be well mannered.

Be Grateful

Gratitude gets you far in life. A simple thank you in person, over the phone or text will go a long way. It’s so important to remember how lucky we are every single day. To realise how lucky we are to have so many blessings and people in our lives. Just by taking a few minutes a day to recognise this allows you to remember not only the things you have but the family and friends you love as well.

Give

Seriously just do something nice for someone just because. If you work online, share a friend’s blog post or retweet them. If an office is your place of biz, then bring a cupcake back for your co-worker at lunch. Or send an email to someone to see how they are, not because you need something, but because you care.  It doesn’t have to be an elaborate gift or gesture, it just has to mean something to you. Mother Theresa said “it’s not the amount you give that matters but the heart you give with.” I remember a friend who would always bring the same fruit with him when he came to visit. Truth was it was all he could afford to bring, but we never got tired of it because we could see where his heart was.

Take time to self assess and be truthful with yourself. There are times you have been nothing but a taker, physically, emotionally and financially. It doesn’t make you a horrible person but if you continue doing it now that you know then well, you are horrible. Make it a point to help others, especially those that help you. Support your sphere even with something as little as a thank you. We all have something to bring to the table, lets be selfless and not selfish. Let’s be great!

Photo Credit: Photo by lalesh aldarwish from Pexels