self growth

“He who serves the most, reaps the most.” Jim Rohn

Last week I wrote about how takers can stop taking and this week I’d want to flip the coin and speak on how I believe givers should set their tables. I hope to give some tools and support to my fellow “givers” so they can learn to give without depleting themselves and hopefully also learn to receive. Let’s get right into it. When you are a giver you naturally set a table for everyone, and you don’t look for anything in return. This is where it gets complicated because you never stop and you will then be taken advantage of.

Now I do understand how you are wired to keep doing it even when you know you are being taken for a ride. And most givers never admit that they feel taken advantage of but we all know we look back at that time that someone said if you lend them money they will pay you back in a week. Just like the other million times before, the week passed and they didn’t pay you back. Below I have a few things I believe can make this journey better and ease the subconscious dilemma of ‘ is it really worth it?’

Redefine Sacrifice

Sacrifice is defined as “the surrender or destruction of something prized or desirable for the sake of something considered as having a higher or more pressing claim.” The question to ask is why is someone or something always more pressing than your needs? Yes, sometimes others have a more pressing need than yours. Say for instance your child breaks their arm — I think we could all agree that their medical needs are more pressing than your daily needs at that moment. But look at how often you view your needs as less than others.

Is it a weekly occurrence? Daily? Hourly? The other definition of sacrifice is “a loss incurred in selling something below its value.” Are you selling yourself short? Are you continually devaluing yourself? Helping others and the occasional sacrifice are wonderful, but if it becomes your normal way of living you are negating your value as a fellow human being.

Give Without Giving Yourself Totally Away

The key is to give to others without giving away yourselves. As a mentor this was a very important concept to learn. Throughout the day I give to others, but I do so without giving away myself. I exist. I desire. And I receive. And I am able to give to others. Giving does not mean disappearing into others’ needs. Just like we give presents to those who love, the gift of giving should be something outside of ourselves. It adds to their lives without taking away from our own. So I know how far my generosity goes, which leads me to the next point.

Create Boundaries

Determine who you give to and when you give. We do not need to be paid back for things we freely provide, but we should also not feel like we are being taken advantage of. Give only when it feels good to you. You should feel better and more fulfilled after you give, not drained. Giving should be as Gandhi has been reported to say, selfish.

If your giving feels as good if not better for you than the person you gave to, then it is worth it. And remember, if it feels bad when you are giving, what you are giving out has bad energy as well, no matter how well intended your actions are. So when you set your table, do not be pressured to serve lobster just because your guests have never had lobster. If you are happy with steaks then your guests will have steaks, always remember; It is your table.

Release the Guilt

Nothing in the world requires you to give to others. It is a choice. Release your guilt and sense of obligation. Cut the emotional cord you have to others. This emotion is what ties you to guilt giving. Whether you think that others will not like you or that it would make you a bad person if you don’t give, recognise that you are not giving for authentic reasons. Give freely and from the heart. Release any sense of duty or compulsion. It’s a privilege for people to sit at your table not a right just because you have the means to set a table.

Model How You Want Others to Be

Many mothers I know, including my own, feel compelled to sacrifice for their children. However, what does this sacrifice teach your children? As a constant giver, you are showing your children that they are not worth as much as others. Be a mentor and model the ideal behaviour. Show your children how you can give while still existing and receiving.

I have an 8 year old son and he is fully understanding what giving is. As a teachable moment when he asks for something I usually ask him to give away something in return. The higher the value that he wants from me, the higher the value he has to give away as well. This doesn’t always go as planned but I believe he is learning that in order for him to receive he has to give. In essence when he comes to sit at my table he usually doesn’t come empty handed.

Be a Mentor Not a Fixer

Find the balance between giving and doing for someone. If we tied our children’s shoes for them and never taught them how, they would grow up to be adults who could not handle this simple function of adulthood. This is the old adage of “give a man a fish and he eats for a day; teach a man to fish and he will never go hungry.” Allow the other to take responsibility for themselves and be there to teach and educate, not to do it for them. Sometimes it is hard to watch people struggling, but remember you had to learn on your own too.

Challenges educate and build character — don’t make it too safe or easy as you may actually be doing them a disservice. I usually have conversation at my table about how to set your own table, most people hate it because they are in need and cannot see where I am coming from but few do see it. This in turn allows us to have these sort of conversations more often even after they have had what they needed taken care of.

Stop Thinking All or Nothing

Release the notion that you can either be a giver or a taker. Sometimes you need help and sometimes I do. Focus on who needs the support at the moment and just make sure you get a turn. Or if it helps, wear the badge of giver — but be sure that one of the people you give to is yourself. You are the only one responsible for taking care of yourself — accept the responsibility. Just like charity begins at home. Giving starts with giving to yourself. As my father used to say, once in a while cook yourself a big meal and have it all by yourself.

Replenish Yourself

Large or small, giving and caring for others can deplete us. Find ways to give to yourself to help you recharge. Flight attendants remind us to put on our oxygen mask first before helping others. Be sure you are receiving adequate self-care before you give to others. This will ensure you are taken care of so you have something to give to others.

I hope these tips on giving have been helpful. Try a few out and let us know how this has shifted how and when you give in the comments section.

Photo by Jaco Pretorius on Unsplash

“Givers need to set boundaries because takers rarely do” – Rachel Wolchin

What you bring to the table is important, why? because it determines how long you will sit at the table. People can easily be isolated into 2 groups: Givers and Takers, and this is as a result of how we relate with the people around us.

A Giver is always trying to figure out what they can do for others. “How can I be of assistance?” is the foremost thought for a Giver. A Taker is always trying to figure out how to gain something from a situation. A Giver is spiritually developed while a Taker is not. A Giver listens more than a Taker. A Giver wants to make a difference, while a Taker wants to understand what’s in it for them. Givers see need in people and the things around them while Takers are always seeking attention and opportunity. Givers give their 100% to whatever they do and are always willing to help someone else, whereas Takers don’t give their all and then whine about their schedules. Givers enrich the lives of the people they meet and make people around them happy, while Takers can be draining. Givers are happy people while Takers are not.

Poet, Shel Silverstein wrote The Giving Tree which is a story  about the interactions between a tree and a boy. The boy is a Taker and constantly wants things from the Giving Tree. When he’s little, he wants to climb the tree and play on it. When he grows a little older, he takes the apples the tree produces and sells them to make money, and the tree happily gives him what he desires. When he grows older still and needs wood to build a house, he comes back to the tree with another ask, and the tree gladly offers her branches to him to cut down. This taking from the boy and the giving from the tree continues until the boy becomes and old man and all that’s left of the tree is a stump for him to rest on. The story is brilliant and teaches us an extremely important life-lesson: there is happiness in Giving and sadness in Taking.

We do this in our everyday lives, myself included. Once we see a table has been set and we are invited we never think to bring anything to the table. And when we sit at the table for the first time and eat, we feel entitled to be there so we keep coming back.

You know those people in your life I’m talking about right? The ones you never hear from unless they need something. They are the ones that only call me when they hear you are coming to town for a gig and want free tickets. The ones who start messages with, “Hey can you send me xxxx, and also how do you do this? Oh and how are YOU???” Those that say can you do this for me for free, even when they know your side hustle is your means for survival.

Yeah, those are takers. 

Now, they probably don’t know they’re takers either, and like I said, I’ve been one. I remember calling someone in a hurry, asked a bunch of questions, then hung up and didn’t ask how he was. I realised I did it too, and he called me on it, thankfully. But it’s annoying to be on the receiving end right? 

If you’re a taker, I’m not judging you. I know life is busy, and you need something quickly, and you probably aren’t thinking about how the other person is going to receive your message, you just need an answer. The problem is, if you keep taking, and taking, and taking, you’re going to be mighty lonely. Because we rise by lifting others. By helping and giving. By remaining grateful.  Here’s a few tips to help you bring something to the table.

Don’t Be A Leech

Chances are if you are reading this someone sent it to you, or you might have found it somewhere on the internet. Please don’t take it personally (one of the Four Agreements, read the book here). I mean well and just want you to know that you’re kind of being a leech and it’s time to stop. Please don’t be defensive, just own up to it, and do better tomorrow. We all screw up, including me. (see above.) You can’t keep sitting at other peoples tables and just eating when you never invite them to your table. Then you have the nerve to comment on how they serve their food? Come on now, this freeloading has got to stop.

Don’t forget good manners

Stop feeling entitled and realise it is a privilege to sit at someone’s table. So when you are there please show some good manners. Greet and ask people how they are doing, conversation might be all you have to bring to the table for you to stay. Just because I can set a table it doesn’t mean all is well in my environment. So just have the decency and respect to be well mannered.

Be Grateful

Gratitude gets you far in life. A simple thank you in person, over the phone or text will go a long way. It’s so important to remember how lucky we are every single day. To realise how lucky we are to have so many blessings and people in our lives. Just by taking a few minutes a day to recognise this allows you to remember not only the things you have but the family and friends you love as well.

Give

Seriously just do something nice for someone just because. If you work online, share a friend’s blog post or retweet them. If an office is your place of biz, then bring a cupcake back for your co-worker at lunch. Or send an email to someone to see how they are, not because you need something, but because you care.  It doesn’t have to be an elaborate gift or gesture, it just has to mean something to you. Mother Theresa said “it’s not the amount you give that matters but the heart you give with.” I remember a friend who would always bring the same fruit with him when he came to visit. Truth was it was all he could afford to bring, but we never got tired of it because we could see where his heart was.

Take time to self assess and be truthful with yourself. There are times you have been nothing but a taker, physically, emotionally and financially. It doesn’t make you a horrible person but if you continue doing it now that you know then well, you are horrible. Make it a point to help others, especially those that help you. Support your sphere even with something as little as a thank you. We all have something to bring to the table, lets be selfless and not selfish. Let’s be great!

Photo Credit: Photo by lalesh aldarwish from Pexels

“Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me” – Carol Burnett

Obstacles can stand in the way of fulfilling your life’s dreams. But did you know only one thing is usually holding you back from finding your better you?

Is it lack of money, or connections, or opportunity, or credibility? 

Nope! These aren’t the real reasons for stumbling in your quest. They are all excuses.

Look closer and you might spot an elephant in the room. Yes, right there in front of you.

The huge reason why you aren’t where you imagined you would be is staring you right in the face. You’ve resisted looking into its eyes for so long, you no longer know it’s there.

Privately, you know it’s the one thing you must address to take control and master your own psyche. Only then will you become the person you were always meant to be.

So, what is it? 

Bob Hawke Knew

Let’s get some context around your challenge. I recently watched a documentary about the challenges of former Australian Prime Minister, Bob Hawke.

Whether you loved or loathed Bob, it was hard not to admire him. But there was a hidden story around him that few knew at the time.

Before becoming PM, Bob loved a drink. No, he REALLY loved a drink. He would start the day with a brandy at 10am and then push on throughout the day, driven by more alcohol.

Then the Fraser Government was crumbling after seven years in office. It was clear that they could no longer govern, but there was no obvious clear alternative on the other side of politics.

Ultimatum time

And Bob faced an ultimatum from his party. Give up the drink – permanently – and become the nation’s leader.

The alternative? Keep drinking, miss your opportunity and fade into obscurity.

Bob had been thinking about running for Parliament for a long time. So he decided if he was to become the man that he had imagined – the man to lead the country out of the doldrums – that he must be prepared to give up drinking.

He chose to remain sober, rather than risk making a tainted decision which could have dire consequences for the nation.

He set aside the behaviour that had served him so well in the past – which had allowed him to behave like a larrikin in order to get what he sought – to lead the country.

Seize the moment

He seized his opportunity. And it paid off handsomely.

He became the leader of the Labour Party in early 1983. A few weeks later, he won the highest office in the land in what was regarded as being an unwinnable election.

He chose to set aside a lifetime behaviour – in what was then considered to be a socially acceptable practice – in order to achieve his vision. 

What this demonstrates is a real and practical reminder to all of us. If you want to achieve greatness, it will not just happen. You must seize it.

Greatness doesn’t just happen

Because, usually, the one thing holding you back from success is what you are hiding behind to dull a painful experience in the past.

The pain is now long gone. But you’re still holding on to the behaviour you’ve adopted to cope with it.

For some, that means turning to substances such as alcohol, tobacco, or drugs. For others, it’s an addiction to the security of your regular paycheck.

Alcohol and drugs dull the senses and prevent your mind from operating at peak capacity. So you miss the opportunities and miss out on achieving greatness.

This is no sermon. At various stages of life, everyone is guilty of not addressing weaknesses or hiding behind such conditions.

Sometimes you just feel like you need permission from someone to help you take control.

Even if you can’t put a name to it, I’ll bet that your five closest friends all can – and probably have to your face on occasion.

Some people will never draw the line in the sand to take the action required.

Ask who you really are

Is that really who you are? Are you the type of person who can’t commit to your purpose to do whatever it takes to overcome the obstacles? Of course you are, which is why you are reading this.

So, at the end of the article, we have a challenge for you. We dare you to take it.

As the ancient Chinese philosopher, Lao Tzu, wisely said: “The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”

So, if you’ve been waiting for permission to act – if that’s the one thing you need to start – here it is.

I give you permission to take control of your life.

Now get ready to take that single step. What are you prepared to do to become a better you?

In one word, think of the one thing you need to confront now in order to succeed?

And, by committing to overcoming it, I promise that you will feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders.

Go ahead, take that first step. Don’t think, act! Do it NOW!

May 2020 see a better version of you.