“Logic is easier said than done, emotion is easier done than said”- Unknown
A lot of dating advice glosses over the concepts of compatibility and chemistry. Assuming most people have a grasp of what these two words mean and why they’re so important to a successful relationship. Everyone kind of assumes we know what compatibility and chemistry mean and whether we have them or not.
This advice mostly ignores diving into compatibility and chemistry because they can’t be faked or changed. These ideas are either there or they are not. The words compatibility and chemistry are not the same things. A lot of people use the words loosely to try to define that thing which exists between two people — the unspeakable and unseen connection (or lack thereof). But they’re not the same thing at all, and understanding the difference is crucial if you want a happy, healthy relationship.
Compatibility is the natural alignment of lifestyle choices and values of two people. A youth minister and a drug dealer are probably incompatible and I doubt many end up dating each other. In the context of wanting to “change” each other, they might try but chances are it won’t last.
If you value women who are intelligent and book smart and you meet a high school dropout who is attracted to guys who have big muscles and petrol heads, then you have a fundamental incompatibility that will probably never be overcome and we will never date one another.
Compatibility is about the long-term potential of two people. High compatibility comes from similarities in lifestyles and values. More chances than not, Catholics hook up with Catholics because they share the same values.
Chemistry, on the other hand, represents the emotional connection present when two people are together. When there is a high degree of chemistry, that strong connection can bring out warm emotions in the each other, creating a kind of positive feedback loop through which two people continue to make each other feel better and better.
When you have a high degree of chemistry with someone, they overtake your thoughts and/or your free time. You’ll stay awake talking till the sun comes up and not even feel like an hour went by. You hope that every call or text is him/her. You’ll walk through life constantly wondering, “What would he/she think about x?” where x is a song, Gilmore Girls, or a beer.
Call it passion; or love; call it a sickness. The basic traits of your/their personality and your/their slightest behaviours ravage each others’ dopamine receptors in a neurological orgy of starry-eyed dreaminess.
Specific examples of what creates strong chemistry are harder to pin down. It may be the way someone howls at your jokes, the questions they ask you about your day, the way you hold each other in bed, or how they help you figure yourself out. It might even be the way they smell.
Chemistry is made up of subtle behaviours and dispositions that mesh with behaviours and dispositions of the other person. What’s created is a kind of closed karmic loop in which chemistry is felt by both parties equally. The most important rule about chemistry is that whatever you’re feeling, he or she is most likely feeling the same way. You almost become empaths with one another.
The artist Alex Grey once said, “True love is when two people have pathologies that complement one another.” He wasn’t lying.
High levels of chemistry usually come from opposite yet complementary qualities in people. A woman who is highly-strung, energetic, and slightly neurotic will tend to have a high degree of chemistry with a guy who is relaxed, mellow, and open. Introverts often have natural chemistry with extroverts. People who are orderly and intense planners sometimes work best with people who are spontaneous and unorganised. They will probably open the door at 3 am in the morning just to find out why a stranger is knocking.
Unlike a lack of compatibility, a lack of chemistry doesn’t repel –it simply results in a lack of emotional intensity. Things just feel kind of dead and boring. A lack of chemistry will mean boring, emotionless sex. A high degree of chemistry will mean intense, life-altering, toe-curling sex that causes your mind to cosmically splatter itself on the walls of your consciousness. Joy.
Navigating life with confidence requires that you understand these concepts. If you want to ultimately end up enjoying your time with an amazing partner—and I don’t just mean enjoying sex, but I mean really, truly enjoying your time together—then it’s important you get a cognitive handle on these emotional indicators.
The most important aspect is understanding what you want, what makes a person compatible with you, what personality traits have chemistry with you? The first question you should ask yourself is “What do I want?” And then you should probably ask yourself a few more questions.
You need to know what you like and what you want in a partner. Like if you want kids or not, or if you are really into dark-skinned women. Those answers matter. If you don’t know, then you need to cautiously gain enough experience until you do know.
I learned that I have chemistry with women that are driven and ambitious. Their personalities work with mine in a unique, yet comfortable way (for both of us). I’ve also found my personality meshes well with women who are a bit neurotic. I tend to click with women who appreciate a good laugh, sarcastic wit and are very giving and caring.
Understanding who you are and what you want is key because unfortunately, compatibility and chemistry don’t always occur together. A relationship with high compatibility but little chemistry is likely to be boring yet comfortable (stepping on toes here). Chemistry without compatibility, on the other hand, usually lacks longevity. It’s fun but only until the fun stops.High chemistry and High compatibility is the sweet spot Tweet Me
As much as logic is superior to emotion, emotion overrules logic. So understanding your chemistry language becomes more important. The reason for this is simple, many of the decisions we make in life are emotional. So you are better off making the RIGHT emotional decisions and not the bad ones.
Hope you have enjoyed this weeks post, share with us your thoughts in the comments section or shoot us an email. As always, hope you and yours are safe.